The American Liberal: Extinct?
Canada's Plan for cross-cultural matrimony
Using Timbits to lure unsuspecting Americans, Canadians set aboot saving the endangered species: AmLibs.
Canada has a plan to save an endangered species, the American Liberal. The American Liberal’s numbers, hunted by right wing zealots, are on the decline. Assuming that most right-wingers aim better than Vice-President Cheney, it won’t be long before these reclusive AmLibs face extinction. Therefore, in the spirit of friendship, a Canadian website focuses on saving this rare species.
The satirical website, marryanamerican.ca matches sympathetic Canadians with left-leaning Americans in an effort to protect this imperiled minority. A flood of nervous American leftists are fleeing the insecurity of das homeland for Canada’s friendlier borderlands, smuggling contraband copies of “South Park” and portraits of the Royal Bush Family suitable for dart throwing or use as toilet paper.
The mission statement of the group as copied from their website follows:
Now that George W. Bush has been declared the official winner of the November 2 election and shall become the President of the United States for four more years of cowboy conservatism, I the undersigned, a Canadian citizen, pledge to liberate, through the legal and binding act of marriage, a willing citizen of the United States of America, of a gender of my choosing, and with one or all of the following political leanings:
- discouraged Democrat
- reformed Republican
- apolitical with limited world domination tendencies.
In addition, I promise to help my new Yankee spouse to adapt to life in the great white north, keeping them safe from (gratuitous) invasion of privacy, and to provide him/her with a reasonable supply of Timbits.
In the interest of national security, under the assumpition that Homeland Security considers U.S./Canadian dating agreements a threat to our combined security, know that a Timbit is a glorified donut hole named after a Canadian restauranteur named Tim Horton. Apparently, Canadians are no strangers to cutesy marketing ploys or seduction by means of doughy, trans-fat laden donut centers Timbits–there’s real temptation to leave the home of the ‘all you can eat buffet’ to marry a Canadian. What do Canadians call French Fries? Oh…okay.
However, before you pack your bags for the Great White North, you crazy American libertarian dreamers, consider a very different Canadian perspective. Dire warnings of impending disaster due to Canadians liberal socialist policies paint a much darker picture of Canadian citizenship. Put down that Timbit and be afraid…be very afraid.
Excerpted from the website no-libs.com:
"Canadians– have no property rights, have unfettered abortion, are not allowed to bear arms, are the second highest taxed population in the free world, rely on others for their national defense, is stacked with activist judges from the lib-left, allow a 35 year old man to legally have sex with a 14 year-old boy, use taxes to supply drugs to drug addicts, allow children to murder without any real consequence, is friendly with Cuba and last, are not allowed to view US programs or channels unless the state approves it."
Okay, hold on a second. As clearly derived from the synthesis of these two websites, a newly rescued AmLib spouse will be forced to trade American television for Timbits? Doubtful! Here’s the likely response of adesperate American housewife:
"I’ll keep my American Idol, I’ll cherish my Sex in the City.
Cause a Timbit is still just a donut hole, in Vancouver or New York City."
